I use the term “Handy-Man” very loosely

Paris Marathon Training: Week 11 of 18
Today’s target run: rest day

Nothing like the impending visit of friends to kick one into high gear on the home improvement projects. And so it went…we needed to have a new bathroom door installed in the master bathroom. Yes, this falls under the heading of “renter is responsible to fix” as per the rental agreement.

After a couple of false starts on missed appointments, our “Relocation Expert” (another term I use loosely) with a new Handy-Man in tow arrived this morning to install the new door.

Mind you, the Budman had already been to the local equivalent of Home Depot, known in Düsseldorf as BauHaus, and had researched the availability of replacement doors. We already knew where to purchase the door, how much it would cost, and that the bottom few centimeters would need to be shaved off the replacement door prior to installation.

So, “Handy-Man” arrives with new door and proceeds to try to remove the existing bathroom door from its hinges. Yes, we knew it was rusted…that is why we called in the home improvement reinforcements. We should have just rehung the new door ourselves, thereby negating the need for Handy-Man altogether.

Now, I question the apparent handiness of a guy who:

(1) Has been told where to purchase the door, the exact dimensions of the door opening, and price and availability of the door by the tenant requesting the work.

(2) Fails to bring the necessary equipment to perform the required tasks. Point in case:

Relocation Expert: Do you have a pair of pliers Handy-Man can borrow?
Hachie Gal: Er, sure…let me get those for you.

Relocation Expert: (A few minutes later.) Do you have a screwdriver that Handy-Man can use?
Hachie Gal: Yes…flat-head or Phillips-head?

Relocation Expert: Not sure…(he walks back into the bathroom to inquire in German of Handy-Man). Flat-head.
Hachie Gal: OK…let me get it for you.

Relation Expert: Did you know the hinges on this door are really rusted?
Hachie Gal: (thinking to herself…Duh…that is why we called Handy-Man). Yes, they are.

Relocation Expert: Do you have some cooking oil we can use to grease the hinges?
Hachie Gal: (Sighs inwardly…) Vegetable or Olive Oil? (OK, so I could not resist this cheesy remark). We do have some WD-40 that might work even better. Would you like to try it instead?

Relation Expert: One more thing…could we also borrow a hammer?
Hachie Gal: (Patience being tested mightily and with clinched teeth behind a fake smile). Yes, let me get it for you.

(3) Proceeds to hang the door only to find out that the door has not had the few bottom centimeter shaved off as previously indicated. Yes, I believe the ever efficient Budman had alerted Handy-Man to this fact early on. Thus, Relocation Expert and Handy-Man trapse back out with new door in hand. And no, they are nowhere the equivalent of superhero duos like The Lone Ranger and Tonto, or Batman and Robin, even though their nicknames have a “superhero” patter to them.

(4) Returns an hour later to hang the door, and scratches the backside of the door in not one…not two…but three places. Never worry, they’ll return with touch-up paint which I am sure will not match the new door paint color or worse yet, will be sloshed on the bathroom floor.

(5) Leaves us with the door to dispose of. Note: Relocation Expert did say I could call the “Refuse Man” and he could come pick the door up. And how do I do that? Just look in the white pages under ”Refuse Man”? I am sure there will be a listing. Thanks…very helpful.

And we paid for this outstanding level of customer service. Just when I thought I had left the dark side for good and had adjusted to the lack of customer service in Germany….a new home repair issue sucks me back in and I am hurled back into this emotional spiral.

Handy? I think not.